Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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