birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
