Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
