I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
