The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
that is very illegal...i love you.
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