im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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