I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
