is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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