True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize