Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
