I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I am one with the molecules
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
