Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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