yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
