and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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