My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
is that a dick in a sweater?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
