o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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