she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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