plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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