Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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