No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I look better un-naked...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
