I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
