my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm both gender and math confused
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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