You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
