If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
