Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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