Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
