i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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