I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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