First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
3pm strippers are depressing
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
