U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
