so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
