There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
