dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You dont lie about slip and slides
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
