last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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