remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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