Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm passing your future prison.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
