he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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