So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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