my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
