Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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