yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
