My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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