What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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