Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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