Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
