i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
