Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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