So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
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