I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Im part way to drunk.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
