I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
