Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize