I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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