dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
