Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
