So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
