guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize