Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
