Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
