If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
