I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
